I woke up today; most FB post claim that is enough to make it a good day. Nope!
For me waking is just the first step in a long battle just to get myself out of bed. First I have to convince myself not to roll over and force myself back to sleep. No not because I am lazy! Because sleep is the only freedom I get from the constant pain and fear that consumes my entire being.
Most people do not understand just how hard everyday life is for someone suffering from depression, anxiety, PTSD, and the host of other very real conditions. They drain your energy, your hope, your very essence, and even your will to live. But somehow millions of people suffering from these life pilfering conditions find a way to roll out of bed, paste on a fake smile, and pretend that they are okay.
If you have never known the suffering you will never understand how much strength it takes to just make it out of bed every morning. Just being around other people is exhausting. You have to constantly remind yourself to breath, to put one foot in front of the other. You have to be your own cheerleader telling yourself that you can do this, that not every person you meet is out to get you, that hiding in a bathroom stall is not the answer to getting through the day.
I get so tired of people telling that I just need to get out of the house more, do more with family and friends, be more active, etc. For God’s sake don’t you think I would if I could! I know that these people are trying to help me I really do; but sometimes I just want to smack them upside the head. They don’t seem to be able to understand that while going out if fun and relaxing to them; it’s pure hell for me.
Hell one of my kids just recently moved back home with his family and it is all I can do to sit in my own living room with them. Every second of everyday I want to go hide in the bathroom. Not because they are doing anything wrong, it’s just that they are in my space. But I pull up my big girl panties and deal with it by counting down every second until I can crawl back into bed and wait for sleep to quiet the voice in my head that is constantly telling me “you can’t”, to calm my fears, and ease the pain.